deeper thoughts

[dellearte]

subtitle: why a pair of slippers can move me to tears

Confidence. It's a funny word, isn't it? Especially in the roleplaying community-confidence is sometimes seen as negative even, for all the modest deflection that happens. Yet, ICly, it's easy to have someone be confident. Characters boast about themselves, make friends, go places and do things that out of character it's difficult to imagine doing.

And extending that a bit, it's so much easier to communicate over text and make internet friendships than it is to go outside and strike up a conversation with someone else. Think of it like being at a library, except instead of a library it's a game chat. You can talk to anyone in both situations-so why do we hold ourselves back in person? There's some kind of mental barrier there that doesn't exist online. Or, to extend it further, at conventions.

It's everywhere-people talking, laughing, hugging, being social and bright at conventions. For me at the least, it operates under that same IC/OOC mindset-you are someone else there, someone without all the things you as a person come with. It's a different state of being, where you are confident, you can make friends, you can enjoy yourself without fear. This I think is the major difference between a chat and a library-the lack of judgement.

The second subject I'm having thoughts about is gratitude. Today, my mother surprised me by getting me a pair of nice slippers for the winter. She knows I don't really like people frivolously spending money on me, and so explained she noticed my old ones were kind of falling apart, though I had said nothing and still find them serviceable. For this, I was incredibly grateful, both that she had thought of me and that there were slippers.

It didn't matter that they were on super clearance, what mattered was her thoughtfulness and the fact that we could afford slippers at all. I'll easily admit I did not grow up rich, I consider myself incredibly lucky to have things like a laptop, all the books I have, the clothes I do. And I know I'm always going to remember, even if I am rich someday, knowing when we had to be careful with money to get by from week to week, having to pray the checks came that day, dealing when they didn't. It's why I constantly trick myself into thinking I have far less in my bank account than I do, to be safe.

So the fact that we can afford slippers, that we have the flexibility to get them, that we can get snacks to go to a friend's party or maybe get a drink at Starbucks, it means a lot. I'm so freaking grateful that we're at a financially stable enough point right this moment. And I know it can change, but I hope it won't. I know I'm fortunate, and I'm grateful for it. Yeah, it can drive me to tears if I think hard enough on it.